How to Make Friends as an Adult: Finding Your People

Show notes

Finding Your People: How to Make Friends as an Adult

Why is it so much harder to make friends as an adult? In part two of the abundant social life series, Randy Lorensen, Dr. John Oberg and Anthony Marino look at why, and share practical ways to find your people.

Kids make friends through long stretches of shared time. Adults rarely get that. The hosts compare how friendships formed in childhood, college and first jobs with how they form now, and talk about friends who are nothing like you and friendships that sneak up on you.

Then they get practical. They suggest dancing, board games, clubs, sports teams, trade groups and volunteering, hosting something yourself, and leaning into your kids' activities. For people who hate networking, they explain how to join a group of three, say why you're there, and avoid leading with a pitch.

The bottom line is that it's a job, and you have to treat it as one. As they put it: "You're an interesting person. Act like it."

Where to Meet New Friends as an Adult, and How to Network as an Introvert

What you'll discover:

Why making friends feels harder as an adult
How shared experiences build friendships
Where to meet new friends: clubs, teams, volunteering and more
Networking tips for introverts and people who hate networking
Hosting, saying yes to coffee and making couple friends
Why you have to treat friendship like a job

Timestamps

[00:00] Welcome: part two, finding your people
[01:10] An unprepared question for the hosts
[03:27] Friends outside the family
[04:37] A friend he owes a call
[06:54] The busiest friend who still shows up
[08:03] Shared experiences build friendships
[09:11] How kids make friends
[11:26] Kids today versus the old neighborhood
[12:34] First jobs and friendships
[13:43] Friendships that sneak up on you
[14:52] Friends who are nothing like you
[16:00] Being intentional
[18:17] Getting honest about how you see people
[19:25] Friendship can be learned
[20:32] Designed environments
[22:48] Solutions: where to meet people
[24:00] Dancing, board games and clubs
[27:28] Sports teams
[28:36] Trade groups and volunteering
[29:43] Hosting a crawfish boil
[30:52] Don't lead with a pitch
[31:59] For people who hate networking
[34:17] Joining a group of three
[36:35] Saying why you're there
[37:41] The best networking advice
[41:10] It's a job
[42:17] Your kids' activities
[44:34] Saying yes to coffee
[45:46] Charity and service
[46:54] Sunday gatherings
[48:04] Teams and tournaments
[50:21] Couple friends
[51:30] "You're an interesting person. Act like it."
[52:37] Wrap-up

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About the hosts

This episode features Randy Lorensen, Dr. John Oberg and Anthony Marino (Anthony joined as a guest for this series, before becoming a co-host). Host bios are on the host pages linked below.

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Related episodes

Meet the hosts: Randy Lorensen · Dr. John Oberg · Anthony Marino

Transcript

A full transcript is below. It was generated automatically from the episode audio, so expect some spelling errors in names and terms.

[00:01] Today we're in part two of our five-step series on having an abundant social life. And specifically today, we're going to be talking about finding your people and give you some practical steps to building your friendship circle. And this is kind of the fun, right? This is this is in the work for some people, but I think hopefully you walk away with this and have ideas about where to find friends, how to find friends, and how to start fostering those relationships. All right, listeners. Welcome back to the second episode in our series about uh making friends or having an abundant social life. And uh today we're going to just try and give you some practical steps to meeting people, initiating friendships, and making friends. And uh so that we can solve you. We talked about last episode, John, you mentioned, I think it was 13. In the past, people had like 13 people they could talk to and now it's three, something like that. I guess 12 12 to three is what I heard, but I don't who knows. Close enough. 12 to three. So, really good to really bad.

[01:07] There we go. Yeah. So, so we're going to give some steps, but before we get into that, I gave you guys no preparation for that. I want to ask you an interview question that I ask this question of every person I ever interview. It's one of my favorite interview questions. So, I'm going to ask both of you, Anthony, John, like for a job interview. Yeah, job interview. I got sweat here. Yes. Correct. You go. A lot of pressure. Think of your best friend. Whoever it is, I don't care who it doesn't matter who it is. Think of think of your best friend. John, we'll start with you. Why are they your best friend? I mean, I I immediately put my wife at top of the list. Does that count? Sure. Why are they my best friend? She's my wife. She literally knows everything about me. Is it because she'll have sex with you? Is that Is that why? Why would you assume she would? No. I mean, look, the truth is my wife is incredibly selfless. Um I feel like she really um in most cases thinks about me before she thinks about her. She really loves me for who I am. And I feel, you know, as close as I can get to unconditional love, uh I I don't like, not that it's a blank check for me to act act badly, but I don't think there's anything that I would do that would have her love me less. Um and and so I think that just I feel known. I feel cared for. I feel like she puts me first.

[02:30] Like, you know, not just the vast majority of the time, but I, you know, can't think of when she doesn't. And um and and which makes me wonder what the hell's wrong with her. Well, Anthony and I have asked that question many times of her of her directly and she just kind of rolls. It's really just her choice in men. She just rolls her eyes. No, she's she's she's amazing as a partner and she really is a great friend. like she is a really really amazing friend and um she's you know I don't think she thinks about it as being skillful at it but she's really skillful at being thoughtful about other people and she truly cares and she does things um yeah she she she'll she'll do things uh because she thinks they're good for our relationship or good for me even though it may take work for her. Anthony, same question. you know, I would it'd be easy to say the same thing and it's true, you know, in terms of a marriage, but you know, to answer the question in the context of what we're talking about here in terms of developing um developing and maintaining, you know, friends outside the family, the the person that comes to mind for me um is the uh antithesis of Anthony. literally the opposite.

[03:45] Opposite religion, opposite healthwise, opposite politically. Um, we've both uh gone through some really difficult times in our lives. I mean, really difficult times, as difficult as you could get. And at the time of each other's at different times, we both um were there for that person. and in a myriad of ways, you know, financially, physically, Um, and we're just, you know, it's kind of an it's it's a it's a it's an odd pairing. You would never have guessed that these two guys would would end up this way, but we have. We're just, you know, I haven't talked to him in six months and I owe him a call. um based on this whole discussion we're having. So, probably at the break. Yeah, I'll probably call him on the way home tonight. But, um we just we just know we're okay. Yeah. You know. Okay. Love it. So, I love that as an interview question because it really tells me about people and what they value, what they look for, and gives me insights into the person. I I would encourage people listening to to ask themselves that same question because it also tells you and gives you an insight into yourself into what you value and what you're looking for in a friend. So, well, aside from marriage, I'd say that I've got I also have a couple buddies like that that like, you know, when the chips are down, like it doesn't matter what time of day, it doesn't matter what the issue is. Doesn't matter like I call one of those two people and they'll show up and vice versa and we have and we will and it just doesn't change and good in a crisis like in one case I mean you want a story about this? Sure. Go ahead.

[05:37] So, I was um my mom was in the hospital. She'd had respiratory failure. Um, the hospital had her on a drug she was allergic to and had to move her to a different facility. She was in California. I was in California with her. I live in Texas and I I wanted to oversee her care and recovery, but that meant bringing her to Texas. Well, the problem was she was intubated and, you know, the machine was breathing for her. And so, I called a buddy of mine who was a pilot. I was like, "Hey, man. I need some help." And he went out and found a way to get her from California to Austin and uh had it all set up for me. And so we literally had her transported, you know, from California to Austin in a really vulnerable state. And she was a 100 days in the hospital when she got here. And then she recovered, got out of the hospital, had an amazing next seven years that she wouldn't have had otherwise. And um, you know, but that was a, you know, a tall ask for a friend like, I need you to find me something that's going to be damn near impossible to find. I'm not even sure exactly what I'm asking for. And he went out and said, okay, here's how we do it. And it was just an incredibly complex project and set of information in an area that he's not, you know, he's not doesn't work in healthcare. Um, and it was just like, you know, dropped everything.

[06:52] He run he runs a company like he it wasn't like he didn't have work to do. He has family, kids, like like he he's the busiest guy. Right. Right. So, I think that's great. Right. That that's a that's the real friend we were talking about last episode, right? people that people you can actually count on when the chips are down. And you know, I would if we go back to when we were kids or just maybe a better thing for people our ages, watch kids. They make friends really easily. Friend will tell you, put you a little closer to the mic. You got to get in there. Let's talk about Yeah. There we go. All right. All right. I want to hear this. But kid But kids make kids make friends easily, right? You put a bunch of kids together and all of a sudden they just naturally play together and make friends. But it gets harder as we get older, right? We all agree with that. I don't know if making friends is easy as kids, but I think we the the the friendships from childhood that persist persist because people were put into a situation with high amounts of time and experience together. Um I don't you and I haven't watched a playground lately. You know, my kids are, you know, my youngest is 14. But I think um when you put people into in a shared set of experiences for long periods of time, it's natural that friendships would develop. And so when you have a highly transitory workforce and people, you know, go away to college and then go to another city for work, maybe it's not the same thing as being in a class all day and then the playground and then after school and then in activities together where you have this high intensity period where you're also forming and growing your brain, you're forming and growing your you know uh h how you adapt emotionally to the world. all these things are happening and so it's it's natural to understand why friendships would come out of that in many cases. I don't have a ton of like deep close personal relationships from my upbringing. My deep close personal relationships were uh formed in my adulthood, but I've had a couple people from my childhood reach out and reconnect with me lately. We had lots of those shared experiences and it's been just fantastically wellreceived on my part that they would reach out and I'm hoping to rekindle more of those acquaintances because it's it's a great experience. But there there are differences for sure in terms of when you start the relationship, my Would you agree with that, Anthony? I do. Um, you know, I'm watching a seven-year-old um in first grade and the transformation from um a little guy to a social butterfly and but he is picking friends. You know, who's your best friend? And in his case, it's, you know, this one particular boy and one particular girl and he's gravitated to them and he's doing, you know, he wants to visit them in their home. They want to visit. It's it's happening. He's making it happen because that's what he wants. And he it's a it's clearly a need. It's it's a physical and emotional need for him to have somebody close to him that he can trust. It's really fun to watch actually. But when you watch, so when you watch your grandkids, if you just whether it's him or one of the other grandkids and you just took them to a playground with no kids they know, what what happens? And but there's a whole group of kids there and you just drop them off in the playground, what happens? Well, it actually it depends on the kid because they they they do act differently. You know, some some kids aren't uh ready to join the group.

[10:29] They're intimidated. others, you know, just dive right in. So, I have the littlest one will dive into the middle of anything. The other two, you know, they're, you know, they're they're kind of watching, feeling, they might get on the on the slide or on the monkey bars. Can we say that? I think I guess say monkey bars. Um, you can hear you can um and be a participant up there, but not necessarily interact with other kids. Yeah. So, it's it's kind of interesting to watch. But in the school environment, it seems different. I don't know why that is, but parenting's changed, too, right? Like, I mean, I I I see kids right now who want their parents to be their entertainment, whereas, you know, we we've talked about this on the show before. We'd hop on our bikes at daylight and we'd be gone until, you know, the sun went down. And and now, for, you know, reasons that are in some places understandable, uh, you know, there's less of that. And I see kids often want their parents to entertain them versus kind of being out in the neighborhood running around. So I think there are some no value judgment about which one's better or worse, but things are different. Yeah. I I'm going to take the other side of that argument and say that I think the parents want their kids to entertain them. They are so focused in making sure that little Johnny is the best piano player and soccer player and yeah, gymnast in the bombing them around to everything and the kid is whipsawed from one thing to the other and by the time he's eight he's going to be disinterested in all of those things. So um so I think it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy in terms of this isolation u caused by the parents and then parents want to be the best friend in some cases too which is like you know we talk about like you know there's a there's a time when it's appropriate to distance the child from the parents that child can grow into that independence we talked about last episode and some parents are probably unknowingly or not intentionally stunting that.

[12:29] So I I saw a stat somewhere recently and I don't remember the exact number so it's kind of like just directional but like first job like you know Anthony your generation was like 14 years old. First job average age like my generation was like 16 or 17. Now it's like 24. Wow. Now I don't I mean again the numbers aren't right but they're directional. Like it I mean that just says something. I mean Anony's generation kids were getting married at that age in fairness. Yeah. Easy does Not quite. We might have been Well, it could be true. I mean, that's not riding riding into the wedding ceremony on Dinosaur Back. Let's Sorry. Let's transition this a little bit. Do you think making friends isn't an intentional act? I'm hanging out with you, too. Hell yeah, it is. So, yeah, that's a very that's I I I've never I've never asked that question.

[13:34] I've never positioned that in any way. And I I would have to answer no, it's not an intentional act. Um, in my case anyway, it it it happened it happens over time and it suddenly becomes apparent that that's the case. And it's not an intentional, well, I like this guy, I'm going to make him a friend. I like her, I'm going to make him make her a friend. It just just doesn't work. It doesn't work that way. So, how how tell me more about how it does work. It's more to me, it's like an awakening, you know? It's a it's you you just you're you're you find yourself in a sets of circumstances over time. You know, you're a product of your environment. uh you know you can it can be both. It could be God and Darwin, right? So it doesn't have to be one or the other. So let's stick with the Darwin side of things. You do you just evolve in time, right? You you go through situations. You're presented with you know uh difficulties or uh enjoyable opportunities and you know things evolve from there and you find common ground with somebody and or uncommon ground that you both find enjoyable to be on the opposite in the case of my buddy in Chicago where couldn't be more different and it's kind of fun you know it's kind of I kind really look forward to the dialogue and the arguing and I know it it depends though. Like I think there are people like I think about young adults moving cities who want to have a social group who don't have one. Like I've seen people that are really intentional about going out and making friends and you know I remember my grandparents uh you know having bridge club at their house where they'd set up like I can't remember the number of card tables and they'd have like 20 or 30 people come over and they'd play bridge and and that was a really intentional way of meeting new people, drawing them into the social crowd. And I think there's some people that have like a country club type of thing to do and there are other people that want to um you know there's a thing a sports and social club here in Austin where you make the and so I think the answer really is it depends you know sometimes you have to be more intentional in a new place new environment sometimes it happens really naturally and I think in my experience the natural ones are the ones that tend to last and you know you don't see them coming but but I do think that people can be intentional about that too, right? So, we want to be careful in this discussion when we when we ask ask the question about friends because when you asked the question about friends, I was thinking about the five.

[16:12] What you're referring to is the social network, the friendships and so forth, which absolutely is intentional and you and and very healthy to have that network and and becomes even and all that. you're the doctor, but the science around aging and and uh having a social network is pretty pretty important for someone to make maintain those things as they age because u mentally and physically. Um it's very important. I, by the way, just so you guys know, before I asked that question, I kind of asked myself how I thought the two of you were going to answer. And I felt Anthony was going to say, "No, it's not intentional." I thought I actually thought John would be a little stronger on the fact that it is intentional. And I'm not making any judgment. I'm not making a judgment that one's right or wrong or better or worse. I'm right. I Well, just kidding. I don't I actually don't see it that way. But but no, but I but it but that's your personalities, right? I mean, you guys are well while Well, there's plenty of similarities.

[17:17] That's also your personality. John John, you're much more intentional about creating Yeah, let's I mean, look, and doing that. And that's true, but let's talk about why that is though. Randy, hold on. Well, again, I'm not making a judgment, but and for the purpose of this episode, we are going to get into intentionally cultivating that is a big part of this episode. I I tend to be more like Anthony where, you know, it wasn't intentional, but as I think about it, I think, okay, what situations could I put myself in where I I could have been more intentional and more strategic about it? Yeah. Had I thought about it, I just don't think I ever consciously thought about it growing. Yeah. I I found myself in a really super isolated position though, like almost 20 years ago. And when I was going through evaluating that with a therapist about why I had set and frankly it was a situation of my own making where I had blown up you know every relationship around me um in a I mean in a very poor thoughtless kind of way of uh objectifying people in my life and I had to get really honest about that. And so for me it was about being intentional about not making that same mistake again and again and trying to learn from it. And because I had done so much damage and thank God my family allowed me to recover from that and they were graceful and thank God my friends have been great. But but there are people that you know knew me early in my life that probably wouldn't recognize me in that same way in a lot of ways. And so the intentionality for me wasn't about personality as much as it was like I was just doing what was natural and it was fairly destructive and I had to like and that goes all the way back to like um emotional vulnerability. you know, we talked about that in the last episode. I wasn't emotionally available for a period of time because my dad passed away and I didn't handle it very well. And so, um, yeah, and and the reason I share that story is because there's hope. Like, no matter where you are, if you're not intentional and you want to be, or if you're super intentional and wish you didn't have to be, like I don't I don't think there's like a right answer that is like, hey, this is the way you do it, right? I think it's like if you want something different than what you have, if all this friendship stuff sounds great and you're not getting it, like it it's something that can be learned. It's not a Well, I I think what we're talking about today a lot is if we put ourselves we want strategies so that we can put ourselves in position to give ourselves the best possible chance of meeting those people whether yeah they're the more acquaintance people or ideally the five as Anthony Anthony refers to them.

[19:46] So let's talk about that. where where do you find potential friends? Like what what is a place, an environment, a group? Uh where where would you go to look or what would you tell a listener? I'd say it's different based on where you are in your life. And I think that it's really easy early in life. is it can be in some circumstances easier later in life if if you're looking at like some of the like um you know um like independent living fac like facilities where you move like my grandparents lived in a place called Leisure World where was all people over 55 you know very similar uh socioeconomic you know histories and and they found it really easy to make friends there and they had clubs they were a part of and they did all the same activities and that kind of thing and I think that's similar to like being in a school where you like you have this environment where it's hyperdesigned, you know, to create that supportive environment. I think it's in the middle where it gets tough. I think about college today can be more difficult to meet people than it is in some colleges. And colleges work really hard to get people into those groups for sure. And I think they do a better job of it today than they ever have, but it's still hard. And then you talk about early career, mid-career, like you have kids, you remember when you had kids, I mean it was really hard to meet new friends. And if they weren't the kids' friends parents or school PTA, it was it's it's really hard to break out of your your work and school circles. We have friends with young kids right now in school and it's hard to get time with them. Okay. Yeah. And you know you're when do you do it? You know where you know how much time do you have to devote to it? Um I look at my um my my son, they're in um they're they're in tech. let's call it tech and the amount of hours that they put in on a daily basis. Um I I mean I can't imagine him being in a position to make a new friend for some time to come. In his case, he's got his college buddies that they maintain, you know, really good relationships with. So he's fortunate in that way. But for the next some number of years, that's what he's going to have because he's got no time. He and his wife have no time. They have two kids.

[21:59] They'll have some acquaintances on the soccer field, right? But they're not going to I can't imagine them making friends because they just don't have time. But in that case, I assume there's friends that he works with. They're both remote. Oh, okay. They're both remote. And so that's what I'm saying. And they work they work like I mean I worked hard. I mean and and I but they're they're making me look like a like I didn't work. They're they're they're working 12 straight hours every single day. I mean, they're just on it. So, they barely have time to get their kids to their soccer or te-ball. And so, then they're bombing home to feed them dinner and get them to bed. And so, we're adding we're adding on almost from last episode the problem. Let's let's but let's give people solutions. If somebody wants to if somebody wants to solve this problem. Yeah. I think let's start let's start with like college age right like college age most schools today have a whole lot of like social activities and they have like entry points into that and so you can get everything from like student associations to affinity associations like you know ski club scuba club you know um inter mural sports like there's there's a ton to get involved with and so that really is about choosing where to get involved and then just staying engaged until you find your group so I think I think college can feel difficult because of some of the pandemic stuff people are experiencing, but there's it's a fertile rich environment for those types of relationships. Even commuter schools have special commuter clubs and and so I'd say the college that's, you know, um there are people having difficulty, but it's not difficult and they've got, you know, all types of resources for people and and so that would be kind of there. When someone's in their 20s and 30s, I think that's when you have, you know, you got to find your what hobbies you're in, what and and look for affinities, right?

[23:53] And so you can find um you know, do you love bowling? You know, dancing is a big one I hear from people right now. Like I had a friend call me yesterday. He's goes to dance classes several times a week, you know. And so if you enjoy games, there's plays to do games. If you Where would you go? where would I you know I went to entrepreneurs groups because I liked hanging out with people that were doing the entrepreneurial things that I was doing and so there were a number of entrepreneurship groups that um I was a part of in one way or another uh that really helped me to find okay kind of like-minded people right and then um you know plug for Dungeons and Dragons like I like to play Dungeons and Dragons which is going to shock I think a lot of listeners there's a vulnerable moment that people are going to try to hold against me but you can't because I love it so much. And uh you know, I've played with CEOs of companies. I've played with uh you know, I've played with brand new players. I've played like the whole like and and it's it's something I enjoy. And so I've got a group of people that I play with, but it's an easy way to find other people to hang out with that are like-minded and have fun and and it, you know, it cuts across all socioeconomic, you know, groups play the game. And um so that that you know but there's also board games like you show like like playing board games and so if I was just you know um looking for if I if I was single not but that's one of the things I would do and then with my wife if we wanted to we'd find something we want to do in common right so um you know there's a travel club here in Austin that we have not joined yet because we still have kids at home and we want to focus there but when our youngest moves out we'll go join this travel club and so it's about finding things um to do in common with people and yeah that's so an Anthony and John nobody knows this but they met at a Dungeons and Dragons gathering that is couldn't be further from the truth Anthony hasn't played yet I will not do that doesn't even know what it is I don't know what it is I don't care just but in answering your question there's I think there's two there's two important aspects of um that need to be discussed as you get a little older and becomes time becomes the the barrier um one is to you know be part of associations in your industry you know so if you're an architect you know go to your AIA meetings or remodeler meetings or whatever the case may be because they're like-minded people and your odds of you know being on the same page with people are better but as important to that and I think this is often forgotten and certainly is a is uh something that I uh that I failed at. Nurture the damn relationships that you had, right? Keep keep those alive. I mean, I there are several, you know, people you you lose touch with and then you wonder, gee, it's been so long, you know, should I what should I do? Call them on their birthday. Yeah. You know, it doesn't matter. It turns out it turns out that even though I haven't spoken to Jay in six months, it's going to be like I talked to him this morning when I get him on the phone. Those are great, you know. So, but so nurture those uh relationships and keep them alive because they'll be there and they'll be better. You'll you'll you'll advance them in terms of the deepening of the relationship. Um and a simple phone call or text message or hey, did you see the did you see that the game last night of of that sports team that you guys are affinity affiliated with? Um that's as important as anything. and in keeping the that network alive and also in helping you if you're in trouble and you reach out and you don't get the answer you were looking for you can also then you know make plans yeah I you know in preparing for this I was you know this isn't something I'd ever given much thought to right I just never had strategy in it and things kind of happened right but all three of us I think it should be noted have been driven in and a lot of our relationships John mentioned entrepreneurial and and people we worked with and I was even thinking a lot of the good relationships I've got multiple people like Anony's talking about that we're good friends that I don't talk to them very often but when we do like you said it perfect right you just pick up like nothing's ever changed I I was in Orlando a few weeks ago and met with my friend Lou who I hadn't talked to in probably a year or more and we went to dinner and it was just it was as if we talked yesterday right but and if someone doesn't have that Randy I you know, you talked about trade groups and industry groups. I think just as important like um there are tons of volunteer opportunities in local communities where it fosters uh relationships like Big Brothers Big Sisters is a great one here in Austin or um the Rotary Club is international and has locations everywhere. And the cool thing about Rotary is I can go to, you know, as a Rotarian any Rotary club in the world and have lunch or dinner with any local club and they'll welcome you as if you been a member for 20 years at that local club. And so, um, churches have, you know, um, age group, usually groups for all different ages. And so, I think, um, anytime you can invest time and energy into something that's not yourself, I think you do a good job to kind of reduce isolation. Yeah. And that I think it's like-minded people, right?

[29:25] And that's what I was thinking for us, it tends to all be that a lot of it is career business-wise, right? Yeah. I'm just going to but whether it is like you said it could be people that just they bond over feeding the homeless in about in a bout of irony here. So we're sitting in a soundproof booth and there's a group of people outside at a crouchish boil. Hope you can't hear them. There's like 70 of them coming to get crawfish at our time 4:00 on a This is what you should be doing. Yeah. Right. Like when someone says come to a crawfish boil and by the way I don't think they all work for the same company. I think it's like vendors and f it's like just say yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's been one of my rule. I just try to say yes when it comes to things about people when I can. Yeah. So, finding, you know, I know when I first moved to Austin, I was thinking back, I didn't really have an intentional plan, but I like to play football and I knew right away. So, I went and I found football leagues and I just naturally bonded with those people. But when I was thinking about it, all the friends that I made playing football, they're not the people that I've like once I stopped playing football, a lot of those friendships have suffered even though they're around me. Yeah. It's more for me like I I think it's figure I guess what I'm getting at it's figuring out who it is you really align with your beliefs, your values is figuring out who that five is or who those really good friends are and who you stick with.

[30:46] going in for the five is kind of like walking up to someone, you know, and saying, "Do you want to get married?" as the first opening line. Like, I don't think that's the right approach. I think it's about building that network, building that kind of, you know, uh, group of people more broadly and then people will come in and out of the different levels of of closeness in in your life. And but but I do think it's weird like, "Hey, my name's John. What's your name? You be best friends forever? 50 80 years of commitment right now? What do you say?" It's just weird. Yeah. So, look, I I my takeaways from this is figure out what it is that you're into. What do you really like? Yeah. And go meet like-minded people regardless of what it is. And and do it for building the broader network, not to find your five. Like, you'll find your five eventually, but that's going to take time. Like time on the water is how you deal with that. And so, so let's talk about if somebody's an introvert because we got to we have people listening that just this is uncomfortable as hell, right? If you're an introvert, going to an event and talking to people and saying, "Hi, my name is Randy." Scares some of these like that's terrifying for some people, right? And maybe not terrified some people it's terrifying for more people. It's just highly uncomfortable and they'd rather not do it. So, what what would you tell those people? I mean the things I tell people all the time are ask people um how long you've lived in the current city like how long have you lived here what do you like right what brought you here I think those are interesting questions and as importantly a question you can ask someone so that you can get out of the conversation is who did who are you here to meet that I could introduce you to because there are times that I've been at network I'm pretty outgoing but there have been times I'm like okay this isn't going that well and we're we're we're getting close to awkward and so I just say who could I introduce you And even if I don't know the person, I'll walk up to, oh, this is and let them in and that way I can very just nicely extricate myself from that situation.

[32:45] Yeah, it I'm thinking John and I have gone to some of the same networking groups and I'm thinking, you know, Andrew's gathering of friends in particular. Yeah. John John and I couldn't have different strategies, right? Um John's is John has goes in. John John has a system and he is going to go in he's going to meet everybody there and me given my own this is not an effective ne by the way this is not not advice for how to network. I go in I talk to one person and I would rather just talk to one two three people over the course of an hour or two and get to know them right and John's going to meet everybody there. It's a very and like you go there on a mission and figure it out and then but you and I met in a similar type situation and then there was a follow-up, right? Like you're going and going, "Oh, this person's interesting. Let's have coffee." Yeah. Usually I go usually I go in and say, "I want to meet two people that I find interesting and then I've I've got enough energy for two people I find interesting and then I excuse myself." So it's not everyone because that's that's too much. I just usually try to go in. I try to meet two people that I find interesting that I think would be nice to have coffee with as a follow-up.

[33:50] And once I've hit my number, I go home. Okay. All right. Anthony, what would you tell people that are introverts or I mean, you got advice? Because again, I I think this is a real problem for a lot of people. I I'm not sure that I don't consider myself introverted, but I find those situations you're talking about very difficult. I don't know um why that is because once I get going I'm fine but you know the the opening you know break there there's a group of three people you're alone how do you break into that conversation without being an idiot right so I find that difficult so to John's point you know the you know the opening question of you know so you know what do you do when you're not drinking that martine you know is kind of the way I always that's a great one break the ice um you have do you have family in town and you know the the idea is to talk ask them about them get them talking and then they'll usually ask you questions and now things are alive by the way back to the first episode cliche first facts second don't delve into opinions early because that's just weird I had a I had an Uber driver who dove right into politics with us and and we were like 30 minute ride to the report could not have been more uncomfortable and I gave him every signal like, "Hey, bud. This is not going well for you." And he didn't take any of the offramps. It was very uncomfortable.

[35:21] Well, I I like Anthony. It's ask them about that. You both mentioned it, right? But Anthony just said it a little more directly is ask them. And I So, I think if you're an introvert, I think I think the problem for a lot of people is they like, "What am I going to talk about?" And they're worried about that. But you don't have you just be curious in other people and people have an interesting story. Yeah. And if you ask and you dig, not all of them, by the way. Some of them, like you said, you're going to want to get away from. But if you ask other people, you don't have to worry about what you I use that line or line like on the golf course when I'm playing with three people. I don't know. I say, "So, when you're not shanking it into the woods, what do you do for a living?" You know, you break you try to you want to have a little bit of humor um in the at the beginning. you know, it's not this not everything has to be um you know, so cold, right? You want to be you you want to be again open that vulnerability a little bit. On the flip side, don't like if you're selling something, don't make it a pitch. Like I can't tell you the number of times people jump right into their pitch. And I am so look and and I I grew up I cut my teeth in sales and nothing is more off-putting than someone who's like, "Oh man, I got this. you is the greatest. I was like, uh, I'm here to play golf or I'm here to I'm here to, you know, meet people or I'm here to I am not here to see your pitch deck. Yeah. So, I just I would say like I I genuinely want to hear about other people because I'm genuinely and that's it. You got to be genuinely interested. One person asked me one time, they were um you know, I think they wanted to be a client of mine and they were like, "Well, teach me like how do I get someone to think I care about them?" I was like, "That's really easy.

[37:04] You care about them, right?" Yeah. Because people see through it. Oh, yeah. People People think they can trick and it's like ever. Yeah. People can see right through it. Yeah. All right. Let's let's approach the mindset a little bit because And I think there's some good strategies. All right. We talk about them, the humor, all this stuff, but I think a lot of people psych themselves out before they get to that point. So what what would you tell people if if it's just to overcome that mindset of fear or whatever it is that just makes them not engage at all? You know, I I had a piece of paper once that somebody gave me about networking because I didn't understand what networking meant at one point in my career. And they had like, you know, what are your goals, you know, personally and professionally? Not that you would go in and say, "Hi, I'm John. Here are my goals personally." But it was like, "Oh, okay." Okay, like that's people won't find that interesting, but they might find that interesting. And then like you know um how I I like to ask how can I help? Like I love going to to meet someone and listen for anything I could do to be helpful to them. And when I say helpful, I don't mean how could I sell them my product. What I mean is genuinely is there somebody in my network I can introduce them to? Is there some way that they're looking for value that I could add to their day?

[38:23] Right? Like I don't it's not about how do I help them with my thing so that I get help. It's like how could I genuinely be helpful to them. Yeah. I I I think the other thing is if somebody really has that has that fear and anxiety it's put yourself in a position where it's going to be easier. And that would be going back to something you're really interested in. Um look yesterday I went to a networking event. It was a It was a combination. It was It was supported by Austin University, which I think is a fascinating new educational system. And we'll have some people on here in the future talking about that uh here in town. It's the country's newest university. And it was Bitcoin related. Everybody I talked to was interesting, right? Because I I'm interested in Bitcoin. So there's almost no chance I'm not going to find them interesting. and the whole Austin University and trying to change education counter establishment. It's not like you at all. Right. Like so I put myself in it. So, I'm pretty uncomfortable kind of like Anthony just getting started in those things even though I do well in them. But there I don't even think I thought about it, right? Because everybody there was pretty likeminded and it was it I mean I was set up for success and it just the fear just I don't know if I have fear as much as it's just discomfort but it it was non-existent because I put myself in the right setting. Probably surprised both of you. I think both of you say that I'm the most comfortable in that setting. Probably surprised both of you to know that I don't love it. Like I I I like it relative to some other things that I dislike more and I do really genuinely like people. Like that's true.

[40:06] But like going and like putting yourself out there for the first introduction, even for me, that's a very high energy expenditure. And so I don't I'm not sure that surprises either one of you. That's a it's a high energy deal. No, it doesn't. It doesn't surprise me, but you use a system to overcome that that anxiety. That's because I'm not naturally talented. I I use a system for things because I don't have much talent. I have to outwork and outthink people because of my lack of natural ability. We we work with someone uh that we know really well that is like the bomb vivant of these type of events. I mean, he'll walk into the room and, you know, he's the center of attention immediately. He rem he has a a memory that of of people and their kids and names like I've never I've never seen I've just never seen anything like Um that's I think he's an outlier. I just don't think there are many people quite like that. Yeah. So, it's a job to do this and you have to look at it as a job. It's not going to be easy. Whether it's a crawfish boil outside, you still have to break the ice. You have to work at it and and you're not going to make 31 acquaintances and you're not going to have 31 coffees the next day. If you find one or two that you know, hey, yeah, let's get a tea time or uh let's let's talk about, you know, this uh this volunteer opportunity, you know, next week. What's your number? I'll give you a call. That's what it And by the way, I'm I'm don't know who the crawfish boil is or for, but my guess is that like of the 70 or so people they said were coming, 30 or 40 of them probably know each other. So, if you can get into a place where you've got a group that's already you're well integrated into and then meet a few I my guess is that's a whole lot easier than going to a group where it's your f like I went to a group recently where my first time ever and I did just talk to the person who invited me and nobody else and it was pretty like it was a pretty high energy like and it wasn't like you know that happens I think if you can find groups and you know you asked about how you do it like in your so when you're when you have kids I think you lean into the educational programs of your kiddos because that's where you're going to spend such a huge amount of your time outside of, you know, work. And then and and then I think past that, you look at like the affinity, whether it's church or scuba diving or, you know, golf or, you know, where wherever you're going to find people that have uh they spend time the way you want to spend time. Let's uh let's use that as a chance to go to break. When we come back from break, we're going to talk about, okay, you've made a connection. What's next? And uh we'll pick that up when we get back from the break.

[42:53] All right, listeners, welcome back. Uh, so before the break, we talked about just how to meet people. So, we're going to assume at this point you even if you have fear, anxiety, you've overcome that, you've went out, you found somebody that's like-minded that you want to get to know better. At this point, you're not best friends. There's no pressure to be best friends, but you need to find out, can this person be a best friend or can they, you know, what kind of friend can they be? So, let's talk about going from the hello to the hangout. John, we mentioned in the first half, you and I met and from there it went into we went and had coffee, right? And or we had lunch. I think maybe it was lunch. Yeah. But we were part of a group that we saw each other regularly and I love the idea. And this is where like whether it's a church group or a business industry event or a u a you know, boys and girls club or there's places that keep putting you in the same room over and over again. And that's really low stakes, right? Right. It's really easy because you just show up, somebody else is organizing it, maybe you get a drink, maybe you're listening to the music in the background, but you know, I used to be part of a lot of networking events earlier in my career where I just show up and we'd see the same people over and over again. And that's a very low low intensity way to start rel and that's how we started. But yeah, but it could be that. But it also could be that you just meet somebody and you think I would like to get to know this person.

[44:16] Happens all the time. Yeah. Also, yeah, it could be going to lunch. It could be coffee. What what else? Tell me what what are the next steps? Let's let's take it to that next level like how do now strengthen the or begin the friendship, I guess, really, right? Like start going to the next stage. For me, it's about how I can help somebody. It's like, you know, I had someone reach out to me recently who I've met a couple times. They wanted to jump on a quick call for like a virtual coffee and it was really just about like how can I help you, you know? And so there's probably a couple connections I can make for them that'll be good for them. Awesome. But it's really low stakes. You know, it's not like, hey, I'm going to introduce you to a sales opportunity. It's just, hey, here's some people that you should know. And and uh so I think that's one way I think and just shared time together, you know. Um yeah. So I think I think yeah, getting back into the room. Let's talk about things you guys Anthony, what have you done that's worked? like what what what have you done over the years? So the way I've always looked at it and it may this might not work for anybody else but what's the subject of interest that that we that we now have and going layer by layer into that into that particular subject. So it may be you know golf it may be um some sort of um event uh or to become involved in a particular charity. That's how we ended up doing all the uh the meals for the homeless. We met somebody and got us in got us going through that. So you just you just start digging on the subject and along with that comes almost organically the personal stuff. you start learning personal things about people and that's where you can then maybe an opportunity to help, right? Because now you starting to put the pieces together of this individual's life, their business life, their personal life, their general interest, you know, now now there's an opportunity to help someone. If you can help somebody or help someone in their family, you know, they're you're really starting to accelerate the relationship.

[46:29] And so that's how I think about it is, you know, what's the subject? And then just let that snowball pick up slowly. And it's got to be slow. It can't be you're not you're not just getting to a finish line. And in fact, there is no finish line. Yeah. In a relationship, really no finish line. But it's different with everybody, right? Yeah. Well, but you find your thing. Like, you remember before the pandemic, I used to have Sunday Funday at my place where I had a core group of friends that we got together every Sunday about two o'clock and it was a bring a BYO dinner. At first, it was I just brought barbecue every week and people got sick of barbecue because it was too many weeks in a row. And then it became kind of a BYO dinner and then people started asking if they could just invite insert the blank. And the answer was sure, invite whoever you want. It's just an open door. And so eventually it went from being like eight or 10 people to being, you know, 15 or 20 on a regular basis. And it was the same eight or 10 every week. And then whoever got invited know, whoever that's that's another like easy way for somebody to try to bring somebody else into. And it was a really easy environment because when somebody came to Sunday for the first time, everyone knew to draw them in. You know, it's like, hey, you know, what do you want to eat? And you know, we had a you know, everyone was swimming and there was kids and there so I think that kind of thing where you just have like a that that made that was my way of making it really easy. Yeah. I I know for me some of it's business things and you just do things together, but you know sports has been a big thing in my life, right? If if you're on a team that's a super easy it almost just happens naturally, right?

[48:04] You're on a team you work together. You know, I used to go to tournaments, sometimes national tournaments with teams, and you travel together. You just you're almost forced in into that interaction, right? I mean, traveling, by the way. I mean, really, go going on a trip with somebody, you really get to know that person pretty fast. Yep. Right. I mean, I always say if somebody's dating, I think going on at least a oneweek trip is should be part of the almost required. I don't know if it's an early part or not, but we could I think it's a great way to get to know how well you're compatible. It's a great way to know. It's a different thing, but but the same thing happens with friends, maybe to a lesser extent, right? It's funny. The two buddies I told you about earlier who were like my two, you know, we in 2006 went on our first trip together and we've been going on a trip at least every year. We've done most major holidays together almost every year and uh all over the world. Yeah. It's been a really great experience. Yeah. You know, one thing we haven't talked about, and maybe we can save it for the next episode, is what are the blockages that your existence puts up to to make it even more difficult. So, if you're in a relationship with somebody, we talk about, well, go to this meeting and meet people and go have a coffee.

[49:20] Well, if you've got a partner, um, you got to weigh the time that you're giving up with that partner and you got to have the the grace of that partner to go do this. So, let's not maybe we'll put that off to some some other time, but it's something we you've got to think about and be conscious of because while you're building up this new relationship, you could be destroying the old one uh without knowing it. So, um, or maybe the the part your partner is is happy with the with what she has or he has as is and isn't interested and expanding, you know. So, I think you got to weigh those two things. Yeah. It's balance, right? I mean, we have the five Fs that we talk about and I think this is this is a big problem. I mean, sometimes if you spend more time on friends, you're going to spend less time on something else. It might be family. It might be I mean friends, maybe fun goes up at the same time, but it might be fitness. It might be finance. Some something's going to struggle. No, by the way, it might be friends and family.

[50:23] Like maybe maybe you're making couple friends like it takes work. Look, I would say this. I don't think it happens by accident in certain stages of life. I think in the stages where you're super busy with kids or or uh kids are getting older, I I think those phases in my experience in particular, if you want to develop new friendships, for me, it's required a deliberateness that wasn't the same on. It takes more work. Yeah. I mean, I I think it does for a lot of people, right? So, look listeners, if if you're having troubles making friends, realize you're not alone. Get out there, figure out where is your tribe. I think this would be my thing is is like where are your people and what are the common likes and belief systems and where put yourself in a place where you're set up for success and then just get out there. Don't force it. Let it happen organically and see where it goes. That's right. and try a little. Yeah. Anything you guys want to add to that? Yeah, you're a good person.

[51:30] You're an interesting person. Act like it. You know, it'll it'll happen. You just sitting at home, you know, whacking a keyboard is not going to is not going to result in a social network that you're going to want to be part of. Yeah. And that, you know, the other thing we probably didn't hit on, I think people are like, I want those I want those five friends that Anony's talking about. I want them real five. Man, that might take a lifetime or it takes like it's you find those people slowly over time. Like you have to, you know, you got to break a lot of eggs to make an omelet here, right? So, I think we get into that when we talk about the phases of friendship. We'll come back to that one. Yeah. It's great. All right. Well, let's let's wrap things up. Uh, by the way, next episode in this series is going to be nurturing the bond, the art of maintaining meaning, meaningful friendships. Tell us how to find more information about this. Uh, download the podcast wherever, Spotify, Apple, Google, iTunes, just wherever it is that you go or YouTube, iTunes. Uh, go to our website, talesofabundance.com. There's also a bunch of free tools on there. But again, download, tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell your neighbors. Um, whatever you got to do, give us five stars. We appreciate the support.

[52:44] Listeners are what make this possible. So, thank you for listening and we'll talk to everybody next time.